I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
