During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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