Cold hands, warm shart.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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