Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
