May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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