shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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