just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
