I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
