If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
