my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
