Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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