My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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