I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
