What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I met the friendliest cop last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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