you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do vagina's smell?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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