it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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