I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
