Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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