Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I AM VODKA MAN
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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