you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
