I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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