just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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