Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
