you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
