I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize