can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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