Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
