sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
