No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
