addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
