The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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