There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Boobs are out for the taking
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize