So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize