I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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