Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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