And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize