Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
