What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
