omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
