Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
