Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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