My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
