am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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