i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
