Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
