You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
