i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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