I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
