and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize