I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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