i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
