I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
