I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
