I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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