1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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