did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
